Fake Heart Attacks

We all know that a fake heart attack is a great way to get some time off from work. But as you’ve probably noticed by now, you can only fake a heart attack so many times before people wonder if maybe you’re lying to get time off from work. Well, maybe you can only have so many heart attacks in your lifetime, but just imagine how many heart attacks all your distant relatives can have!

If you think about it, these relatives don’t even have to be real people. Who would question that your ‘cousin Jane’, who was practically your sister–you were so close growing up, has just had a heart attack and you have to catch a flight to Hawaii to visit her and see if she’s alright? Only a sick, soul-less slave driver boss could say no to that. And just tell him it’s none of his business that you happened to have purchased the plane tickets six weeks ago when there was a killer deal on Expedia. It’s not like you were going to use the tickets if Jane didn’t have a heart attack. That would just be wrong!

An imaginary heart attack is one thing, but we’ve only scratched the surface. Imagine if a few of your fake relatives happen to die…you can get paid to take bereavement time away from work (hey, paid vacation!) and you won’t even have to go away and be sad. You could go to Disneyland! They even do funerals there* so you’ll have an easy cover if anyone suspects you’re up to something.

*Don’t quote me on the Disneyland funerals, but I once saw a guy in a Donald Duck costume fall in a lake there and drown so I assumed they must do on-site funerals too.

As if all of this wasn’t amazing enough, the best part is that you can make up as many cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents as you need. The list goes on and on. By my best estimates, you can safely take 10-12 weeks off each year due to heart attacks, serious illnesses, and deaths in the family.

Okay, a few of you may be wondering if making up fake, ill, and dead relatives is wrong. I’ll admit that it may be a gray area, but on the other hand isn’t it wrong for your employer to expect you to come to work all year long and only take approved vacation and sick days to get away from work? If you ask me, that is what is truly wrong with our society.

So go ahead, take that third or fourth vacation you’ve been wanting to take this year. It’s as easy as ‘Grandma Betty’ dying in her sleep tonight.

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