When selling your old clothes to homeless people, you’ll find you can get more money from the ones that still have teeth. After going toothless, they have a lot less money for buying clothes.
Rat Beds
Overheard: “You’re the one who bought the rat! Why should I have to pay for its little rat bed?”
Worm Farmin’ Ain’t Easy
The thing about worm farming is, some of the worms are jerks right from the start and never change their attitudes. It’s true what they say, you can’t win with all the worms.
My Kind of Book Learnin’
I do my best book learnin’ in an outhouse behind the library.
Happy Hour
I don’t have a drinking problem. That’s prescription vodka.
Deep-fried Twinkies
I like to indulge in some junk food from time to time. One of my favorites is a deep-fried Twinkie. After all, it’s not every day you can have a deep-fried Twinkie. Unless you’re one of those fat cats with a pantry full of thousands of Twinkies and a deep fryer in your kitchen. And if you are one of those fat cats, I have something to say to you: don’t sleep too soundly at night. Some day I’m coming for those Twinkies.
Note to Self
Remember to save blood in a measuring cup next time I cut my finger so I can know for sure how much blood I lost.
The Finger That Bleeds
I cut my finger with a knife and it bled. I forgot to measure how much blood I lost. It could have been an ounce or maybe a gallon. Now I’ll never know.
Fake Heart Attacks
We all know that a fake heart attack is a great way to get some time off from work. But as you’ve probably noticed by now, you can only fake a heart attack so many times before people wonder if maybe you’re lying to get time off from work. Well, maybe you can only have so many heart attacks in your lifetime, but just imagine how many heart attacks all your distant relatives can have!
If you think about it, these relatives don’t even have to be real people. Who would question that your ‘cousin Jane’, who was practically your sister–you were so close growing up, has just had a heart attack and you have to catch a flight to Hawaii to visit her and see if she’s alright? Only a sick, soul-less slave driver boss could say no to that. And just tell him it’s none of his business that you happened to have purchased the plane tickets six weeks ago when there was a killer deal on Expedia. It’s not like you were going to use the tickets if Jane didn’t have a heart attack. That would just be wrong!
An imaginary heart attack is one thing, but we’ve only scratched the surface. Imagine if a few of your fake relatives happen to die…you can get paid to take bereavement time away from work (hey, paid vacation!) and you won’t even have to go away and be sad. You could go to Disneyland! They even do funerals there* so you’ll have an easy cover if anyone suspects you’re up to something.
*Don’t quote me on the Disneyland funerals, but I once saw a guy in a Donald Duck costume fall in a lake there and drown so I assumed they must do on-site funerals too.
As if all of this wasn’t amazing enough, the best part is that you can make up as many cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents as you need. The list goes on and on. By my best estimates, you can safely take 10-12 weeks off each year due to heart attacks, serious illnesses, and deaths in the family.
Okay, a few of you may be wondering if making up fake, ill, and dead relatives is wrong. I’ll admit that it may be a gray area, but on the other hand isn’t it wrong for your employer to expect you to come to work all year long and only take approved vacation and sick days to get away from work? If you ask me, that is what is truly wrong with our society.
So go ahead, take that third or fourth vacation you’ve been wanting to take this year. It’s as easy as ‘Grandma Betty’ dying in her sleep tonight.
The Day Frank Died
It was a bad day for Frank. It was a good day for me. I didn’t like Frank.